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  • bonemaster got any more poems?

    okay i thought id share another favourite poems of mine.

    A certain cast to their features marked
    the English going into battle,&then, that

    glint in the frenchman's eye meant 'folks
    clear the room!' the Turks knew death

    would take them to a paradise of sex
    Islam reserves for its warrior dead

    &the Scots had their music. The Germans
    worshipped the State & Death, so for them

    the Maximschlacht was almost a sacrament.
    Recruiting posters made the Irish solider

    look like a sainton a holy card, soppy&pious,
    the way the Yanks go on about their dead.

    Not so the Australians, unamused, unimpressed
    they went over the top like men clocking on,

    in this first full scale industrial war.
    Which is why Anzac Day continues to move us,

    &grow, despite attempts to make it
    a media event (left to them we'd attend

    'The foxtel Dawn Service'). But the march is
    proof we got atleast one thng right, informal

    straggling &more cheerful than not, its
    like a huge work or 8 hour day pinic-

    if we still had works or unions, that is

    Anyone else like this one???

  • #2
    bonemaster got any more poems?

    It's all right, but it looks more like prose than poetry--like the sentences would be better were they not broken into verse, or like they are broken into verses arbitrarily.

    Comment


    • #3
      bonemaster got any more poems?

      well i am just writing them, like this deliberatly...well them how about this one...

      an arrogant face
      leans towards you
      & you blow him away
      &your mate takes out his partner
      who'll never blink faster
      than he did that day-
      a victory of sorts
      &just vicious
      as you drive away
      leaving two kack less
      sprawled like a tableau,
      pools of blood around them
      & the squawking, useless radio.

      Comment


      • #4
        bonemaster got any more poems?

        quote:
        Originally posted by kit:
        well i am just writing them, like this deliberatly...well them how about this one...

        an arrogant face
        leans towards you
        & you blow him away
        &your mate takes out his partner
        who'll never blink faster
        than he did that day-
        a victory of sorts
        &just vicious
        as you drive away
        leaving two kack less
        sprawled like a tableau,
        pools of blood around them
        & the squawking, useless radio.



        "who'll never blink faster
        than he did that day-"

        I'm not sure what this means. What does "blinking faster" signify? That he is confused? This seems a little odd or messy.

        "sprawled like a tableau,
        pools of blood around them"

        "Sprawled like a tableau" is not a tableau. You might as well say, "Sprawled like a striking description".

        The poem ends well, and leaves us more uncertain than in the very straightforward first one; but altogether the first one seems, in terms of technique and thought and care, of a better quality to me.

        Comment


        • #5
          bonemaster got any more poems?

          I see--blinking faster because he's being murdered. But do we really associate blinking quickly with fear? I would think of things more like trembling or eyes going wide than blinking quickly.

          Comment


          • #6
            bonemaster got any more poems?

            hey i will say this once again, i cannot take credit for these poems, i just re-write them down. They are by a poet named John Forbes...
            i think this poem and the first one, are great and the way the first one is written in couplets makes it work and the last line on its own is more effective!
            The second piece was great, i mean some people did have trouble distinugishing who was who (ie police and others) but the way in which he says things, makes it seem more dramatic, but it relates actually to a crime that happened in victoria. Police were shit down and left to die, the poem was based on those events!

            Comment


            • #7
              bonemaster got any more poems?

              I've never read John Forbes, and therefore can't say for sure, but so far I like sixabortednovels' stuff better. The first one you posted just seemed like quaint little thoughts on the ways different nation's armies are distinct in their characters--clever, certainly, but hardly significant or quite "poetic"; while the second one seemed like the words came more randomly and were chosen merely because they had a nice ring to their sounds--to a sloppy effect.

              But I'd have to read his best stuff to really compare--I'm sure sixabortednovels puts only his best at white diaspora.

              Comment


              • #8
                bonemaster got any more poems?

                I think he's poems are good, i never said i was putting in his best ones, i said i was placing in the ones that i liked! although u may not like them, i find them very effective!
                quote
                but hardly significant or quite "poetic"; while the second one seemed like the words came more randomly and were chosen merely because they had a nice ring to their sounds--to a sloppy effect.
                John Forbes's poetry is not for everyone and as for something sloppy and hardly significant, i think you do not get it bacause you are not australian. We have commercialised everything, except for ANZAC day, he says this is one thing we have got right! You cannot even begin to imagine what it is like....It would be like me saying the Statue of Liberty has no significance,when it does to certain cultures, as ANZAC day is for us! its a time to honour those who lost their lives and those who returned!

                Comment


                • #9
                  bonemaster got any more poems?

                  Maybe part of it was in fact the difference of cultures: I had no idea what Anzac day was and didn't understand that line, and as to the ways the armies fought, well, I think you would appreciate it if you actually knew or experienced these armies; but it didn't strike a chord with me because I am ignorant of such things.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    bonemaster got any more poems?

                    Difference of cultures also in the second.

                    "Mate" in America means huband, wife or lover; "partner" yes, cops have partners here but so do people (and we all know cops aren't people, hahaha) and nowhere does it say they are cops.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      bonemaster got any more poems?

                      Australian &
                      New
                      Zealand
                      Army
                      Core
                      And i never said you were ignorant i was just stating that you may not know things as you come from a different culture to one that i do.
                      I mean not many people know about the ANZAC's going into gillipoli (forgot how to spell it) and fight the turks, they landed on the wrong shore line and most died...
                      [img]images/smiles/icon_sad.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_sad.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_sad.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_sad.gif[/img]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        bonemaster got any more poems?

                        funny
                        how the eye
                        goes right
                        to the line
                        where we left off
                        reading
                        but the brain
                        can't accept
                        how serenely
                        at one
                        with the book
                        we are,
                        the way
                        hunters once knew
                        -just knew-
                        when to throw
                        the spear & where
                        exactly,
                        in all
                        the bright world,
                        their next meal
                        was coming from

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          bonemaster got any more poems?

                          My great aunt's second husband fought with the ANZACs. Not in Gallipoli, but during the same time and in a similar theatre.

                          Oh, and I think you mean Australia & New Zealand Army Corps. [img]images/smiles/icon_razz.gif[/img]

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            bonemaster got any more poems?

                            well well well we meet finally mister fatwoul!!
                            and under less than polite circumstances!! too bad your knowledge inst as good as you thought, as it is the austrlian and new zealand army core!! thats what australians call it!!
                            so learn before you think you are write! because when it comes to argueing with me, YOU WILL NEVER WIN

                            [ October 15, 2003: Message edited by: kit ]

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              bonemaster got any more poems?

                              quote:
                              Originally posted by kit:
                              funny
                              how the eye
                              goes right
                              to the line
                              where we left off
                              reading
                              but the brain
                              can't accept
                              how serenely
                              at one
                              with the book
                              we are,
                              the way
                              hunters once knew
                              -just knew-
                              when to throw
                              the spear & where
                              exactly,
                              in all
                              the bright world,
                              their next meal
                              was coming from



                              This I find brilliant--we do not think of ourselves as one with the "book" or whatever we are reading--we may be in blatant disagreement with it, in fact--and yet the act of reading shows how intimate the connection between the words and our minds. How we instinctively know where to look when we get to the end of the line--just the precise distance down that we need to glance to get to the beginning of the next. Just like hunters did not cognitively "know" the right time to throw the spere--and yet they do so, and know, and know exactly how much force to put into the throw, etc.--without the explicit details ever going through their minds.

                              I would say this is better than anything at white diaspora (though I've only read bits and pieces there).

                              I think also of the intimacy I feel when I fish, and I can feel the fish's every jerk and motion and roll with it as I reel him in--he points out that this intimacy is also present in the ideas in books--however much I may detest them at the time--using as example the fact that reading would be impossible were this intimacy absent.

                              Comment

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